Feeling lost = Coming home to myself?

Tonight, after a couple of hours of overtime, I feel exhausted and I feel lost. I don’t recognize me. And I wonder what makes me believe that I have changed. Am I trying to fool myself and the world?

I feel the hunch to reach for Christiane Northrup’s book – The Wisdom of Menopause. As I check the table of content I see this title: Coming home to yourself: From Dependance to Healthy Autonomy. First sentence of the chapter: “The need and desire to assume more dominion over our lives becomes a burning issue at menopause.”

Here I am feeling like I have no control over my life because I can’t define it anymore… I am caught in a heavy stagnant gray fog… and I feel like it will engulf me forever. Hmmm… I don’t like when I go in this “All or Nothing, Black or White” approach to life. It usually last a few hours, sometimes days. Now it’s been a few weeks and I don’t recognize what is going on with me… The intense emotions, the tears, the darkness… This sense of not knowing where I am going, and this inability to dream my life are making me panicky. Where is the Life Coach inside of me? Did she desert me?

As I continue reading I am reassured that I am going through a natural passage in a woman’s life. I understand that I have 2 choices: deny this stage, its awarenesses and emotions, or go with it. The price to pay for denial is health issues, while choosing to go with it promises a new version of me at the other end. Hopefully the end will come soon…

I found this passage in the book comforting. It gave me hope of a brighter me, coming soon…

page 85 – “This empty nest, your altered living space, your disrupted life focus, that directionless feeling – all must first be acknowledged and experienced, with the attendant emotions, in order for the healing process to begin. In the interim, while we experience the upheaval and wait for the new path to become clear, we have to hang out in the “underworld” for a while, allowing our fears and grief and confusion to be fully experienced. Then, and only then, will the fog begin to lift, revealing hints of new doors, new directions, and a new focus for that shining new life.” The Wisdom of Menopause, by Christiane Northrup, M.D.

 

© 2015, Chantal Ouellette. All rights reserved.

One Response to “Feeling lost = Coming home to myself?”

  1. Chantal, Your life is most probably at a turning point but not only because of your menopause but also because of the fact that the role you’ve been associated with the longest in your life, the one of motherhood, is for the first time switching from an active participation one to a more passive and distant one. So learning to transition from one to another, along with the empty nest it brings and emptiness it creates can only add to the menopausal effects. But furthermore, there comes a time in life when, menopause or not, we get to a fork in the road whereby major events such as the ones you’re dealing with get you to question what your true life’s purpose is. And that in itself can only be salutary as it may get you to redefine yourself and find your true purpose. As Dr Wayne Dyer stated in his movie The Shift: “As we move into the meaning phase of life (the afternoon of life), it’s not as if you no longer are ambitious, it’s that you have ambition with meaning. You’re ambitious about other things. So now your ambition is transformed into purpose”. So let yourself be and don’t be so hard on yourself nor concerned about where life should take you. By just letting go and being your happy and joyous self, life will find a way for you to meet the right people, be in the right place, and find your life’s purpose. And that, I’m sure, is how you’ll be fulfilled, content and at peace with yourself. Happy trails on this road of rediscovering your renewed self.