Tonight, after a couple of hours of overtime, I feel exhausted and I feel lost. I don’t recognize me. And I wonder what makes me believe that I have changed. Am I trying to fool myself and the world?
I feel the hunch to reach for Christiane Northrup’s book – The Wisdom of Menopause. As I check the table of content I see this title: Coming home to yourself: From Dependance to Healthy Autonomy. First sentence of the chapter: “The need and desire to assume more dominion over our lives becomes a burning issue at menopause.”
Here I am feeling like I have no control over my life because I can’t define it anymore… I am caught in a heavy stagnant gray fog… and I feel like it will engulf me forever. Hmmm… I don’t like when I go in this “All or Nothing, Black or White” approach to life. It usually last a few hours, sometimes days. Now it’s been a few weeks and I don’t recognize what is going on with me… The intense emotions, the tears, the darkness… This sense of not knowing where I am going, and this inability to dream my life are making me panicky. Where is the Life Coach inside of me? Did she desert me?
As I continue reading I am reassured that I am going through a natural passage in a woman’s life. I understand that I have 2 choices: deny this stage, its awarenesses and emotions, or go with it. The price to pay for denial is health issues, while choosing to go with it promises a new version of me at the other end. Hopefully the end will come soon…
I found this passage in the book comforting. It gave me hope of a brighter me, coming soon…
page 85 – “This empty nest, your altered living space, your disrupted life focus, that directionless feeling – all must first be acknowledged and experienced, with the attendant emotions, in order for the healing process to begin. In the interim, while we experience the upheaval and wait for the new path to become clear, we have to hang out in the “underworld” for a while, allowing our fears and grief and confusion to be fully experienced. Then, and only then, will the fog begin to lift, revealing hints of new doors, new directions, and a new focus for that shining new life.” The Wisdom of Menopause, by Christiane Northrup, M.D.